Clinging to Love in Seasons of Change
Today’s guest contributor is Kayla Rosengarten. Check out Kayla’s amazing culinary skills at Feasting with the Saints where she helps us learn about the saints and the love of the Lord through food!
If you would like to share your own written reflections, be sure to let us know!
Even in the midst of an unprecedented global pandemic, plenty of possible employers still dared to ask my future plans. Internally, I laugh because five years ago no one could guess where we are now. Or, I for one, could not. I mean, we were wearing masks in a conference room and awkwardly waved to shake hands.
Yet these human resource managers want to know what I’d like for myself. My goals. Dreams. Ambitions. The most popular phrase for any person lately is “…in these uncertain times” but isn’t most of young adulthood an uncertain time? Does anyone have set plans in their 20s?
I really did not need a world-stopping disease to reinforce the idea that I have no idea where God is leading me. I’d like more than anything to pause my interview and to turn to Him and ask “where will I be in five years?”
In my experience, young adulthood seems to produce more questions than answers. There’s discernment of vocation—how much time should we be dedicating to exploring religious life and how is our dating life—and discernment of education and career—is this the right college? What happens if I don’t like my major? Then there’s daily discernment on everything from friendship to extracurricular activities.
Although I know my fear of not knowing is a manipulated, basic trick the devil uses against me, it’s easy to fall to the waves of anxiety (especially if you’re a bullet-journal-writing, color-coordinated-planner like me).
It’s even easier to think that that anxiety will dissipate when we hit a certain point. “When I get the job I want, I will be happy, I will not have anxiety, I will finally feel loved by God”. Fill in the blanks to your circumstance. For me, when I move out of my hometown, when the pandemic calms down, when I feel successful in my job, all of those things will come easily.
As Christians, we can say there is no reason to worry, to feel the pressures of uncertainty. No spouse, vocation or job will ever make me feel absolutely loved and fulfilled as the Lord does! I trust the Lord’s thoughtful hand will guide me through any season of change—anticipated or not—for the next five years and really, my entire life.
But like so many easier-said-than-done aspects of faith, there is this disconnection between the head and the heart in really feeling confident in that trust.
Trust, one of the foundational pieces to genuine love, is hard for broken people (i.e. us). So, I turn to the wisdom of broken people who seemed to acknowledge their brokenness, push through it and strive anyway to get it right: the saints. In this case specifically, St. Ignatius of Loyola, and his thoughts on seasons of change.
According to St. Ignatius there are two primary seasons of life, seasons of desolation and consolation. Through the gifts of the Holy Spirit we receive life in seasons of consolation; the Holy Spirit brings us hope in our Heavenly Father, internal peace and the feeling of grace in our hearts that God is constantly loving His children.
Then there are seasons to ride out, seasons of desolation planted by the evil spirit, the devil. Constantly and in ways unique to our individual struggles, the devil tries to sow seeds in our hearts that God is absent or has a fragile trust which cannot hold the weight of sin.
Maybe you have experienced these seasons in your own life. Like the “high” or extreme spiritual consolation one feels from the Lord after a retreat or a spiritual awakening, followed by the “crash” or spiritual desolation when the high feels as though it is disappearing. (Note: faith is not only feelings, see excellent KnowHis.Love podcast episode.)
So, what happens when—global pandemic-induced or not—your life is not what you had thought it would be? The doors you had planned on being opened for you are closed and locked and you are left keyless and confused.
You didn’t get accepted into your program. Your romantic relationship is ended by your partner unexpectedly. You feel called to quit your job. Whatever the case, in these moments of unknowing, of anxiety, our spiritual lives can slip into moments of desolation quickly. Even when we are faithfully praying the Lord guides us through them.
In St. Ignatius’ teachings, a heart battered by discouragement, disheartenment and feeling abandoned by God may not be sober to every situation it encounters. For example, if you get in a fight with your best friend, in the moment of the fight, you may want the friendship to be done and over. The worry and anger are gone if the relationship is too.
While some of these feelings can be attributed to our brokenness, some is also attributed to the devil, who sees the conditions of our hearts too and tries to manipulate them.
Similarly, when you feel any sense of loneliness or aching for the Lord, St. Ignatius warns us to not turn away...the Lord is working in every moment, even the periods of desolation he longs for all His children.
He cares for you. He is working in your life.
St. Ignatius thought seasons of desolation and consolation are both bound to happen, like summer and fall and the seasons of nature do. And he knew there’s really only one direction to go in the midst of desolation. To the Lord. We are in a vulnerable state in these seasons where prayer feels hard and the separation between us and Jesus feels great.
Knowing all of this, how do we take action? Bless St. Ignatius for all of his gifts, because he also prepared a daily examination of conscience. Meant to be prayed and reflected with twice a day, Ignatius offered five steps to meditate on, especially in desolation.
The first step is to become aware of God’s constant presence in your everyday life. Followed by reviewing your day with praise and gratitude for the Lord’s gifts. Step three is keeping close consideration to your emotions, as they are important to evaluate (and sometimes validate).
Next, is to choose one part of your day—good or bad—and pray on that specific moment or grace. Finally, offer the Lord a prayer for tomorrow.
A large portion of my personal walk with Christ includes a struggle with mental health and a battle to resist leaning into anxiety (a period of desolation) when it feels pacifying.
Statistically, the millennial and Gen Z generations have more anxiety than any preceding ones.
And how can they blame us? Searching for a job, attending online school, keeping your faith in the isolation of a disease we thought would be gone in the Spring is heavy. For many, a possible unexpected season of desolation.
Luckily, the Lord does not ask us to plot our faith out for the next five years. As much as I’d like to ask Him, I cannot ask either. Our Father knows when our seasons will come. He knows about the changes we’ve endured and those we cannot imagine. The only thing He asks of us is to take up our cross each day and follow Jesus.
As much as movies and novels like to sell their audiences, true love is not instant. It builds.
A challenge then from St. Ignatius to build that love, to weather any season, is to practice the daily examen.