What’s in a name?
How do you feel when someone calls you the wrong name?
Having an older brother who is also a priest often leads more people than you’d guess to call me, “Fr. Michael.” I think this past week alone I have been called, “Fr. Michael” about 4 times. While the mistake is common (Matthew and Michael starting with the same sounding letters, after all) and I usually laugh a little at the mistake, I can still sense something else going on in my heart.
Our names are important - they are personal. Hearing a familiar voice speak our name in an unfamiliar environment can immediately bring comfort. Parents can call out to far wandering children by speaking their names. Spouses can make their intimate love known for one another, not by using a nickname, but by saying their beloved’s full name.
Our names are so deeply linked to who we are, so when someone mistakenly uses the wrong name, it is no surprise that something deep within our hearts begin to ache. These moments can be painful as they reveal how deeply we want to be known, to be understood, and when addressed incorrectly, how far we are from that reality. Insecurities can arise within us as we move through life trying to really be known. We can move from relationship to relationship, briefly feeling a sense of relief as someone learns about us (our interests, hobbies, opinions). After the small talk ends and we realize that the meaningless hook-ups merely dulls the desire to be known and never really fulfills it, the relationship fizzles as our heart continues to call out, “I want someone to know me!”
Our noble quest to be known can end in selfishness as we take advantage and use the hearts of those around us to gain an ounce of relief from our own heart’s persistent need to be understood. Do we recognize this desire within us? Perhaps we try to mask it by focusing on superficial needs with a distorted facade of love that does nothing but leave us empty, alone, and afraid of never really being happy.
Rather than perpetually living in the dissatisfaction of an unknown heart, it seems like a good idea to take a step back and recognize where and how we can be truly known. We live in a broken world disfigured by Original Sin. Whether we want to believe in Original Sin or not, its effects are undeniable. One of its most damaging consequences of the Sin is how we are able to communicate and relate to others and ourselves. Where once we saw a beautiful, intimate, and open dialogue between God and humanity, we now experience a veil that can obscure or distort how we see and hear our Triune God. The relationships we have around us are also affected by Original Sin as we struggle to live authentically and easily give in to the insecurities that lead us to lie, manipulate, or use others for attention or some kind of fleeting pleasure.
Oddly enough, the Original Sin’s effect on how we are able to know and communicate with our own self is often the hardest to recognize. How much time do we take to reflect on our own limitations on knowing what our deepest desires truly are? We can fill our minds with the strongest need of the moment and can trick ourselves into thinking that that need is really our deepest desire. The “one click purchase” from Amazon, the ease of running to a store at almost any time of day or night, and even some of the relationships we enter into can satisfy a strong need, but do these actions really address the deepest desire of our heart - to be known, to be loved, to be understood.
If we want to stop running from one relationship the next, the next entertainment or pleasure to the next, or even the next anxiety to the next, we have to be able to properly distinguish between these strong needs and deep desires. Our strong needs can lead us to believe that, if they are met, that our deepest desires will be met as well - this is often not the case. These strong needs are often perceived as things, relationships, or actions of greatest value often because they can be good in and of themselves. For example, marriage is a good and there are many beautiful goods that flow from marriage. A man who is discerning the life of a celibate priest may see the goods of marriage and believe he has no place in the priesthood because of the strong felt need of intimacy. If the man listens more closely to the desires of his heart and is truly called to the priesthood - the desire to serve God and even sacrifice one good for another - he will slowly be able to recognize the distinction between meeting an immediate (and temporal) need and the deeper longing in his heart to give all of himself in service to God and His Church.
Our deepest desires are like a river constantly running through our hearts - they pull us towards what is ultimately good and fulfilling. At the core of who we are we see that each person longs to be known and loved - the current of identity flows strongly through us. This desire can and ought to be fulfilled in how we live in the world, but we will always find ourselves getting lost or confused about our identity if we don’t first root ourselves in how the Father sees us - as His beloved child. If we build the foundation of who we are based on who we are in the Father’s eyes, this allows us to discern the strong needs in our lives correspond to this or are merely a distraction or temptation away from what is best.
We can lean into our deepest desire to be seen and known by actually spending time in the tender gaze of the Father. If we dedicate time each day to simply being in His presence and reflecting on how He sees every single part of us, we will find that it becomes easier and easier to move through each day referring back to how we are seen in His eyes and not the eyes of those around us or even our own distorted perspective.
Living this way can be incredibly freeing as we learn to live and see ourselves in a way that doesn’t fixate on our faults, imperfections, and limitations, but instead recognizes the dignity of our poverty and how the Father loves us as His little child.
If you ever start to feel unwanted - return to the Father’s gaze.
If you ever begin to feel anxious - return to the Father’s gaze
If you ever feel the inadequacies of the love of those around you - return to the Father’s gaze.
Our Father knows your name and is calling for you. He is speaking into the deepest desire of your heart and if we practice listening to His voice, that desire will be satisfied. We do not have to feel abandoned, unwanted, or orphaned because the Father knows your name and longs for you to be with Him.
““Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Is 43:1