When we fight
It can come out of nowhere. A conversation with a friend or family member moves from one inane topic to the next, and then all of a sudden voices are raised, feelings are hurt, and an odd wall now stands between yourself and someone who just moments before was deeply trusted.
One fight can ruin a relationship that spanned decades. A parent and child may never speak to one another again. A brother and sister may only begrudgingly admit the other’s existence. Spouses now view their relationship through the lens of hurtful words, leading to more and more of the same.
How can relationships be so volatile? How can we find ourselves laughing and sharing intimately with someone and then, all of a sudden a word was said or an idea conveyed that triggered a volcanic response from either our side or theirs.
The communication breakdown in our relationships can find its roots in the first few chapters of Genesis where we find Adam and Eve hiding from the God with whom they once shared such a deep intimacy. The choice against love - the choice to forget the source of their very existence - leads Adam and Eve to cover their vulnerability in fig leaves. When our primordial parents hear the voice of Love, they hide themselves. Upon hearing of the temptation, we hear the voice of a pained father, “What is this that you have done?” It seems to convey a deep pain in losing someone who is loved.
We see in this relatively short third chapter from Genesis the underlying reality of what happens when we turn away from love and focus instead on what we perceive as what can truly satisfy our own self-interest. In the case of giving into anger and fighting with those we love, the allure of defending our vulnerable hearts with the fig leaves of hurtful words or hiding from love behind loud angry voices shows such a profound link between every generation and our first parents. No matter how convinced we are by our own hubris of humanity’s progress, we will always be humbled by the harsh words we use against one another and realize that every generation before us and every generation after us will struggle with the same temptation to turn away from love and focus on ourselves.
The vicious arguments we have with those around us can be incredibly damaging as they ultimately lead to a loss of trust. For some reason, however, our current culture seems to normalize this disposition to the point that we can just assume that human interaction requires a daily dose of belligerent behavior.. In other words, we are at a point in human history that has convinced us that we always have to be on guard against the latest attack on our person; that it is better to assume the worst in someone’s intentions rather than give them the benefit of the doubt that what they said or did; that, ultimately, we have to live in distrust of those around us at all times and in every situation.
No wonder everyone seems to feel so exhausted!
We have trained ourselves to be emotionally on edge at every single moment throughout the day. An innocuous question or even a simple comment (within this emotional framework) can set us off within seconds because we have come to believe that everything said is somehow critical of who we are or what we are doing. That rush of anger can feel so good as it gives us a sense of power over someone else to the point that we are no longer verbally (or physically) assaulting a person, but we have diminished someone we once loved into an object whose only purpose is to accept abuse. When two (or more) people have lost their tempers and no longer see the person they are speaking to, but only an object, the absolute absurdity of how poorly we can treat one another is on full display as our heart’s desire towards relationship and communication is rejected in favor of behavior that makes us summarily less human.
If we recognize the immediacy in which we rush to defend ourselves or that the temper that erupts within us, what can we do?
As I said, living this way can be exhausting because we are moving through each day as if an attack could come at any moment. Our mental and emotional energy tanks are spent which puts us in even greater danger of flying off the handle because of a misinterpreted comment, question, or suggestion.
I could write so many words on healing, but in this relatively short post I think it is important to mention that that anger and felt need to protect our vulnerable hearts really needs to be addressed within the lens of an untreated wound. I cannot speak to the psychological reality of healing and would definitely recommend that you speak to a professional in that field if this behavior has seriously affected your life, I can, however speak to the spiritual wisdom offered to us in the very same chapter of Genesis where we first saw our primordial parents Fall.
After listening to the serpent and eating from the tree, Adam and Eve heard God walking in the Garden. Out of fear, the couple hid themselves, leading God to call out, “Where are you?” Obviously, the omniscient Lord knows where his creation is. This question is not really asked for God’s sake, but for the sake of Adam and Eve. Maybe we could expand the question to, “Where are you in relation to Me?” The question is meant to help Adam and Eve recognize the distance that they have placed between themselves and their Creator. When framed within this idea of how separated they are from God, we can see that this question is not really about finding the exact physical location of Adam and Eve, but more about finding their place within a relationship.
When it comes to our relationship with God, the closer we are to Him, the more human we will be. We can understand who and what we are when we come to know ourselves through the eye of the One who made us. Our sin distorts how we see ourselves, our neighbor, and God because it is a rejection of love; but when we live in harmony with how our God sees us, it makes it a lot easier to answer the question, “Where are you?” - I am with you, Father.
If we find ourselves overwhelmed with negative and angry thoughts and emotions, it would be good to practice hearing the voice of God speaking to us, “Where are you?” This can be so hard because, in the midst of a fit of rage our eyes, ears, hearts, and minds can narrow to the point that we lose all sense of who, what, and where we are. If we can allow the voice of our Father to ask us, “where are you?” it can actually pull us out of that distorted sense of self that is convinced that every interaction is a new threat to our person.
Of course, trying to hear these words of our Father in the midst of our anger can be incredibly challenging because even the voice of Love can sound like an attack when we lose our footing in reality. This is why it is important to practice these words when we are not in a place of anger or defensiveness. We can begin our daily time of prayer by hearing the voice of the Father ask us, “where are you?” and we can truly take time to discern where I am in relation to the One who made me. If I make the effort to practice hearing this question and answering it each day, then when the moments arise where I am tempted to fly into anger or erect the defensive walls around my heart, I now have a practiced habit that I can use to subdue the growing tidal wave of anger that tries to drown out the voices of reason and love.
Hearing the voice of the Father can be a challenge, especially if we are struggling with a deep pain in our hearts. In the same way that we can misinterpret the words and actions of those around us when we are in a place of pain, we can do the same with God. When he asks us, “Where are you?” he does not do so out of condemnation, judgment, or accusation. The Father asks this question out of love.
Even Adam and Eve, having turned their backs on His love, still knew that they could come out of hiding and show their wounded selves to their Creator. Our original parents could still recall in their woundedness the goodness that God had showered upon them by giving them life, the world, and each other. As they stumbled out of their hiding place and stood before God with hastily made clothing, we still see beauty in the fact that they stood before God and could honestly (albeit imperfectly) relate what led to their distrust of the One who gave them everything. This is where healing can begin - in honesty. In facing the reality of where we are in relation to God and recognizing the ways that we have separated ourselves from His love, we have the capacity to learn to trust once again, to have our wounded hearts healed, to become more human. Listen for His voice - listen to His love.