A Story of Healing

Today’s article was submitted anonymously. If you would like to share your own story of knowing God’s love, please do not hesitate to join us

I am forty-three years old, and I have spent most of my life believing I am worthless.  My mother was physically and emotionally abused by her father.  If you asked her, she would tell you she was a good mother.  She did do better than her father did.  I was not physically abused.  I never had to fear for my life.  Unfortunately, emotional abuse can leave deep and painful scars as well.  Those are the ones that I have endured for as long as I can remember.

My mother has not yet found the healing that she needs.  Her pain has manifested itself in many ways throughout my life.  I remember her being angry and yelling often.  It didn’t matter how hard I tried to please her.  It was never good enough.  Chores were never done right.  I didn’t wear the right clothes or fix my hair the right way.  I was led to believe I was ugly and fat.  She just had a general contempt for who I was, and she wasn’t afraid to pour that out in an angry tirade or even in a simple snide remark.

Through Catholic school as a child, I came to know God.  I remember feeling my faith very strongly, even at a young age.  Sadly, any attempt on my part to have a relationship with God and to try to be holy was also criticized.  During these times, my mother would ask me if I thought I was better than everyone else.  It made me question my identity.  Who was I to believe I had it in me to be better than she had led me to think I was?  Who was I to find love and strength in being a beloved daughter of God?  In her eyes, I was no one.

I thought she was right.  I drifted far from God, and I searched in many places to find my identity.  I went out into the world to find my value and worth.  I always did well in school, so ideas of a successful career and financial security were not ridiculous to me.  I placed a lot of value in these things.  Every accomplishment that got me closer to those goals made me feel valuable and only fueled my desire to find my worth in them.  

I also struggle with a strong desire to be beautiful.  I have fallen for the lies of the world that define beauty in a certain way.  In the past, I have tortured myself, mind and body, to try to reach those unrealistic standards.  I suffered from an eating disorder and exercised my body to the point of exhaustion.  It was never enough.  I still hated what I saw every time I looked in the mirror.  

I found my way back to God some time ago.  It was not easy.  On top of placing my value and worth in all the wrong places, or maybe because of that, I struggled with anxiety and depression for many years.  I found strength in my relationship with God.  He was directing my life, even when I didn’t know it.  He called me to be a stay at home mom and teach my children.  Even though it was difficult to let go of ideas of a successful career, I wouldn’t go back and change that for the world.  Being a mom has been one of the greatest joys of my life.  I also had to let go of unrealistic notions of beauty and find peace with who I am.  

Of course, these aspects of my life definitely needed healing.  On occasion they resurface, and I must fight those demons all over again.  Sometimes, the desire to go out there and be successful still creeps in, but I remember that I am where God wants me to be.  Other times, the voices in my head still try to tell me to eat less and exercise more, but I have learned not to trust them.  The problem is, I never confronted the root of all these things and never tried to find healing on a deeper level.

I started Spiritual Direction for the first time in my life about a year ago.  In that process, I felt like it was necessary to talk about my mother and the suffering I have been through.  In my opinion, for my Spiritual Director to help me get where I want to be, he needed to know where I was coming from and where I am.  Can you really help someone if you don’t understand why they display certain unhealthy behaviors or constantly commit the same sins?

It was the first time in my life I had ever told my story.  There are people in my life whom I love that know bits and pieces, but I never actually said it all out loud at the same time.  I didn’t even know what to say, and I almost couldn’t say anything.  Then, I just let it all out.  I sat there in my pain and brokenness and told someone I barely even knew the deepest sorrows of my life.  It was one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had. 

It was freeing, because although I was sharing with another person, I was really telling God the deepest sorrows of my life.  Although God knows everything, I had never told Him either.  He saw my suffering and pain, but I had never brought it to Him and asked Him to help me and heal me.  In that moment, I opened myself up to God completely.

The healing I experienced from that started almost immediately.  God had been waiting so long for me to let Him in.  He began to pour His love into every fiber of my being to convince that I was not worthless.  I could feel His presence in my life more profoundly than ever before.  I felt like He was there in every moment of every day just loving me.

Although it was amazing, it was also scary.  For one, if I am not worthless then what am I?  I believed it for so long, I started to question my identity and wonder where to find it.  I also began to fall back into my old mentality that I had to earn love.  Why would God pour that love into me?  I started to wonder what I was supposed to be doing for Him.  He had to want something. Who just gives you that kind of love for free?

God does.

God doesn’t want or need me to do anything to earn His love.  My identity lies in being His beloved daughter.  My sole purpose for existing is to just be His.  He created me out of love and for love.  He loves me know matter what.

He loves me in my pain.

He loves me in my brokenness.

He loves me in my healing.

He loves me when I struggle.

He loves me when I thrive.

He loves me in my sinfulness.

He loves me in my repentance.

There is no end to the ways in which God loves me.  

Being a beloved daughter of God is nothing like being a daughter of my mother.  I don’t have to prove anything to Him.  He doesn’t measure my life by the same standards.  Every day I must struggle to remind myself of these realities.  Every day I must choose to continue to heal.  Every day I must decide to let God love me the way I was meant to be loved.

Sometimes I forget to do these things.  I regress, and I still try to seek my identity in the things of the world.  I get frustrated and beat myself up because of it.  Then, I have to remind myself that healing is a process.  It doesn’t happen all at once.  If I allow Him, God will love me through every step of it though.  He will not abandon me.

I firmly believe that the things we go through in life make us who we are.  I don’t know who I would be or where I would be if things had been different.  Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have a loving encouraging mother, but I can only speculate.  I never have to wonder what it’s like to have God as a loving father.  I have Him.  If I allow Him, every day He will show me my worth is far greater than I could have ever imagined.