When Loving is Hard
It seems like it is bordering on cliche to mention the current state of the world. Without saying a word, we can look at one another and simply acknowledge the chronic pain of “what used to be” or “I was planning on…” or “but it’s closed now.” This persistent longing for a pandemic-free world is only exacerbated as we doomscroll to oblivion, slowly convincing ourselves that there isn’t anyone or anything worth placing hope in and the bastions of security we thought we had are found to be rotting from within. The continued polarization over almost any event, issue, or person divides family members, longtime friends, and even spouses to the point that many find they are burdened with fear in expressing any idea that may lead to further loss of relationships; or positions become so rigid that any contrary opinion (and the person holding it) is dismissed without second thought.
In the midst of all of this messiness, the question may be raised, “how am I supposed to love when life is this hard?” We can begin to believe that giving into cynicism, hopelessness, and having a heart of stone is all that will get us through this tough time. It can be even more devastating when family members or friends that we have known for a long time seem to change or make known certain thoughts that seem so contrary to who they were in the past. We can even find ourselves wondering, “but how do I love someone who says, believes, or does x, y, or z?”
I don’t think that these are necessarily new questions in our human history - we have always had to contend with shifting societal standards, uncertainties about the future, and tensions boiling over, but now it seems necessary to address these questions in light of our current milieu that feels so broken, so hostile, and ultimately so hopeless. What I hope to offer is obviously not a complete answer nor a silver bullet to address the dysfunction we find in our relationships and interactions with others, but rather a healthy alternative of learning to love in the midst of struggle. Otherwise, it seems like the cares of this world will consume us and we will ultimately suffocate ourselves by placing people, events, and ideas within the binary boxes of “acceptable” and “worthless.”
A few weeks ago when I was preparing my homily and reading through the texts for the weekend, I was struck by St. Paul’s letter to the Philippians and how amazing it was that someone living roughly 2000 years ago could speak so well to the inner turmoil many may be feeling today. Perhaps we can take part of this letter directed to the community in Philippi and see Paul address how to love when it’s hard.
Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you. (Phil 4:6-9)
I was immediately struck by Paul’s very first invitation to “have no anxiety at all.” It seems almost laughable to read that line in light of our current circumstances and the heightened sense of stress that many may be feeling; however, when we understand that Paul wrote this letter from prison, it can give us an entirely new perspective. If someone living within the confines of prison walls, surrounded by violent criminals, and with some uncertainty that at any moment he could be dragged from his cell and have his head chopped off, can tell us to “have no anxiety at all,” it seems like it would be a good idea to heed his wisdom and see how we may be able to apply it to our lives.
We see first that this freedom from anxiety is found in “prayer and petition.” In other words, we see prayer (that is, a stable, vulnerable, and ever-deepening relationship with God) as the foundation of a life lived in peace. For those that already try to have a daily prayer life as well as those who have never prayed, it still may be wondered, “ok, so I’m supposed to pray. What does this have to do with loving someone who seems so unlovable to me or trying to have a loving heart within a difficult situation?”
If we fall in love with someone, it often happens that we start to love the things that they like to do or love the people that they already love. When we fall in love and continue to deepen that love with someone else, they can open our eyes to new ways of loving the world and the people around us. This principle is only magnified when it comes to continually falling in love with God. The more we intentionally try to speak with Him, listen to Him, and love Him, the more we will be able to begin to see the world through His eyes. Our hearts will expand. Conversely, if we don’t have a good and healthy relationship with our God it becomes harder and harder to see the world and all that is in it and happens in it as He does.
If we want to learn to love others in the midst of a messy world, especially when it is hard, we have to spend more time with God. If we find that every time we see a person, hear them speak, or they pop up on social media, that we are getting angry or have reduced them to an idea to hate rather than a person to love, bring that person to God in prayer. Ask Him to help you see them as He does.
Once we develop a consistent prayer life and learn to always bring those we have trouble loving into that dialogue with God, Paul offers three habits that may help us turn this prayer into action.
Live with a Heart of Gratitude
Paul encourages us to live in everything with thanksgiving.
Begin each day in gratitude. Sadly, it seems like for many of us, our default response to anything or anyone that annoys us is to complain, criticize, or dismiss as quickly as possible. We can let the poison of cynicism warp the way we interact with others and the world to the point that we lose any sense of gratitude for what we have.
Breath in our lungs, our capacity to love and receive love, for many, the ability to see beautiful colors of the natural world, the talents we possess, the education, homes, and relationships in our lives. While not everyone has the same blessings, regardless of who or where we are on this earth, in everything we can give thanks.
Rooting ourselves in gratitude can help remove toxic attitudes and behaviors that leave us feeling empty and can even help us love those that seem so unlovable. If we can find just one reason to be thankful for someone that we have difficulty loving, this makes it that much more difficult to completely dismiss them and block them from our lives. It can be too easy to give into the temptation that this person is irredeemable and all they have ever done has been harmful to our existence. While I’m sure that there are certain cases where this may be true, it seems worth it to really examine the whole history of our interactions to try and find at least one thing (no matter how small) for which you may be thankful. Did this person ever make you smile or laugh? Did they ever help you in some small way?
If all else fails, the last resort would be to be thankful that this person is offering you a chance to grow in holiness. Be thankful for the sanctifiers in your life.
Patient Expectation
Paul tells us to “make your requests known to God.” If we have ever found ourselves in a desperate situation or in a place of great pain, it can be easy to think that the prayers we have offered up don’t get answered soon enough. Paul speaks of not having anxiety, but many times it is our anxiety that leads us to a place of shouting out our deepest needs to our God. When we feel our prayers aren’t heard or being answered soon enough we can quickly give up and turn inward, fixating only on the pain.
In our prayer, however, we have the opportunity to live in patient expectation. This means that we know and trust that our God is personal - He hears us, He knows our needs, and He wants to respond to our needs. Our God is personal, but He isn’t a vending machine or game show host that simply throws out prizes to those that insert the correct prayers or shout the loudest - He is a father.
Because our God is a Father, he knows what we need and how to give it to us. I once heard the example that if a child sees an adult with an ice cream cone they can focus so much on the cone say, “give it to me, give it to me!” If the adult does not give the child the cone right away, the child will eventually turn their attention away from the ice cream and will begin to address the adult instead of the cone in their hand. In the same way, our God (as a good Father) knows that if He were to only give us whatever we asked for as soon as we ask for it, we would begin only focusing on those gifts instead of the gift-giver.
In a world of hyper-polarization, messy relationships, and the desire to find our identity in so many passing things, it is essential that we learn how to ground ourselves in a lived relationship with our God, cultivate a heart of gratitude, and to trust that He gives us what we need. We are called to live in patient expectation that our God does indeed hear us and will give us what we need… and ultimately what we need most is love… What we need most is Him.
Live in Reality
When we feel stressed, overwhelmed, or in a really dark place, it can be very easy to take on a distorted sense of reality to the point that the words, actions, and even presence of others can be misinterpreted as a direct attack on who we are. Our field of vision becomes narrower and narrower to the point that every situation seems hopeless and everyone that annoys us is just another casualty to our interior war on vulnerability.
Paul, on the other hand, in the midst of a difficult situation, in addition to telling us to have no anxiety, continues:
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
In the same vein of cultivating a heart of gratitude, Paul encourages us to think about “whatever” is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, and worthy of praise. This seems to be an encouragement to find these qualities wherever they may be found. In other words, if we want to truly ground ourselves in reality we have to be able to admit when a person, idea, activity, or “whatever” else manifests one or more of these qualities. We can’t limit ourselves to only finding these traits in the people or things we already enjoy hearing from. Instead, whenever we find ourselves frustrated or even at the point of despair, how can we look deeper to discover anything worthy of praise that we can think about instead of only dwelling on what leads us to erupt in anger or disdain for another person.
Ultimately, there will be ideas and behaviors that are simply irreconcilable with “whatever” is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, and worthy of praise. Still in these moments we cannot reduce someone to an object to be scorned or a block of online text to be ignored. We have to see the person...and I believe that St. Paul offers us a way to not only see the person, but also love them.
Yes - the world is and can be a messy place to live, not much has changed over the course of human history. If we want to be among those who claim to know His love, however, it is necessary to learn how to live well in the midst of this messiness.
Undoubtedly we have heard, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt 5:44). This command stands in direct contradiction to the natural tendency to punish those who hurt us, to hold grudges, to ignore, to belittle, and dismiss. When Christ speaks these words he creates within us the capacity to cooperate with the grace of God in how we respond to the difficult situations and people of our lives. It is obviously not an easy path, but it is far from impossible.
In his letter to the Philippians, St. Paul offers a refreshing perspective that can help lead us step by step along this journey to love those around us, especially those we want to consider our enemies or who persecute us. If it is embraced, it can lead us away from cynicism, bitterness, and every other natural inclination that does nothing but dehumanize others and even ourselves. Following Paul’s advice we can live in freedom, we can live in peace, and ultimately we can begin to live in love and be called “sons of your Father who is in heaven” (Matt 5:45).