Falling Apart
One of the words most often heard in seminaries is “formation.” This formation takes place in a variety of ways throughout the roughly 6-8 years before someone is ordained. Those studying to be priests typically become well-acquainted with the “PPF,” that is, the Program for Priestly Formation. This document is derived from John Paul II’s Pastores Dabo Vobis, a plan of formation for clergy that reflects the needs of the current day. The PPF weaves together four pillars (human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral) in an attempt to provide those feeling the call to the priesthood with a well-rounded process of growth that explores all facets of the future priest’s life.
While I am sure that the PPF could find room to be improved, one of the things that it does well is emphasize the need for the seminarian to harmonize the four pillars (human, spiritual, intellectual, and pastoral) in such a way that his future priesthood will find complete integration between how he presents himself to the world (external) and what is going on on the inside (internal). The document actually uses some form of the work “integrate” over 50 times, emphasizing how important it is to find harmony between the outward and inward expression of self.
Our world has become all too aware of what it looks like when a priest fails to find integration in his life. The deficiencies of a priesthood are on full display when it is found that how he presented himself publicly is radically different from the life he lived in private.
This need to live an integrated life, however, is not restricted to those who are ordained. In fact, examining how our lives may not be consistent or integrated can be a helpful way of improving the image we have of ourselves, the relationships we have with those around us, and even our relationship with God.
This may sound so appealing. Perhaps we have felt the inadequacies in our own life by having a poor self-image, friendships that are less than ideal for our own flourishing, and a prayer life that is non-existent. To be clear, “being integrated” isn’t some sort of silver bullet that can immediately solve all of our problems. It can, however, provide an excellent foundation that can lead towards a much more fulfilling and meaningful life.
What does it mean to have an integrated life?
To be integrated means that we live honestly. It means that our thoughts, our words, and our actions are aligned in such a way that they communicate the truth of who we are and who we are called to be.
Communicating who we are is not always easy because we will inevitably struggle with a variety of temptations, but if we hope to grow and live meaningful lives we have to begin by examining our thoughts, words, and actions and recognize any inconsistencies between them. In doing so we begin to ground ourselves in the reality of where we currently stand with an eye on where we hope to be.
It can be all too easy to let little discrepancies creep into our lives that lead to a lack of integration between how we think, what we say, and how we act. For example, we can find ourselves smiling and heaping words of praise towards someone when in their presence while tearing them to shreds behind their back when speaking with others. In other situations we may find ourselves radically changing our behavior around different people in an effort to “fit in.” We can become convinced that we are loved by others when, in fact, those around us only appreciate how we’ve contorted ourselves to fit the mold of what they find acceptable.
Not living consistently in our thoughts, words, and actions can lead to a need to create a fantasy world where we convince ourselves that any problems that arise are due to the fault and failures of others and never our own. On the other hand, if we are aware enough of our inconsistencies yet refuse to harmonize our thoughts, words, and actions, it can lead us to playing some kind of elaborate game where we are always trying to be one step ahead of being found out for our disingenuity. Both options are exhausting and lead us to a place where we are not only dishonest in our interactions with others, but we are ultimately dishonest with ourselves. Far from being integrated we now find that we are actually falling apart - we are dis-integrating.
How can we expect to be loved if we are unable to show others (including God) who we truly are?
Our ability to receive love, in many ways, depends on our willingness to live in truth. One way that this can go wrong is if we construct a false version of ourselves that we project into the world. This false version is a mere shell of who we could truly be as it is made up of all the lies that we’ve become convinced of and leave us feeling hurt or always wanting more out of relationships. We can become convinced that we are unlovable or not getting the love that we need when in reality our expectations rest upon this hollow version of ourselves that we present to the world.
Our hearts yearn to be seen, to be heard, to be known. Projecting a false self into the world or covering up who we are with the masks that disfigure the true needs of our hearts will only leave us feeling empty, misunderstood, and alone.
If we hope to pick up the broken pieces and find wholeness, we have to build the foundation of who we are on truth rather than lies. Instead of trying to be a chameleon and adapting ourselves to whatever group we find ourselves in, surround yourself with friends who challenge you to grow and want the best for you rather than just themselves. We can even find our relationship with God can improve when we stop trying to only show the parts of ourselves to Him that we are proud of and instead give Him everything - not for His sake, but for ours.
Ultimately, we have to live in a way that corresponds with what is true. This is not always easy, but it can lead us away from meandering through life and towards finding direction and true meaning.