Fear and the Mission

If those who knew me were challenged to say just one word that would describe my personality, I think that “planner” would inevitably make the list.  I love planning.  I love anticipating needs. I love thinking through any problems that may arise and finding ways to address any questions before they are even raised.  I truly find joy in analyzing situations and planning for the best outcome, be that a trip with friends, purchasing something, and even pastoral ministry.  I do have several friends, however, who seem to fall on the opposite extreme of my planning obsession.  

Once, a friend stopped at my seminary for a visit as she made her way to Erie, Pennsylvania and I asked her if she had ever been to her final destination or if she needed any help making it there.  She simply responded, “Well, I plan to keep driving north until we hit Lake Erie… I’ll figure it out from there.”  

Another friend, a priest, made his way from Ohio to Wyoming to help out with a family camp.  I would ask, “Where are you staying? What kinds of things will you be expected to do other than celebrate Mass and hear confessions? You’re arriving early - do they know this or will you have to sleep in your car for the night?” No answers.

In both of these situations, I found myself more stressed than my friends who either didn’t have an exact roadmap on how to reach their final destination, or did not have a detailed plan or expectation for their trips.  

Being a planner can be both a blessing and a curse.  Yes, planning ahead has its advantages, but it also comes with a number of drawbacks - missing out on spontaneous adventures, potentially limiting new ideas outside of the narrow scope of what I already planned, and in some cases, rooting myself in fear of the unknown.  

Fear is a very human thing.  Unfortunately, when life gets messy and everything seems to be falling down around us, it is entirely too easy to allow fear to dictate our actions, to let it be the guiding motivation behind what decisions we make.  This motivation can lead to some weird results like… shortages in toilet paper and flour.  Fear can also lead to much more terrifying ends - arguments grounded in prejudiced ideas of another person, violence, and even completely closing ourselves off to receiving affection from anyone around us. These are all the result of a worldview grounded  in fear that encourages an obsessive need to control the outcome of every circumstance.  

When we don’t understand something… or someone… we can let fear rule our response to that person or thing.  Control gives us a false sense of self-sufficiency that convinces us that, as long as I assert myself through shouting the loudest, dismissing the needs of others, or tearing others down with words or violent actions, I will come out on top and the fear will go away.  It’s an addictive drug that leads us into a never ending spiral of trying to compensate for my own objective lack of control with more and more actions that lead me to believe that I have the power to determine every outcome through my own skewed view of the world.  

This false sense of self-sufficiency and the desire to control is so incredibly toxic to the relationships in our lives, as well as our own sense of self.  Thinking we can do everything on our own and having a fear-driven need to control can leave us feeling more isolated, more in need of fulfillment, and honestly, more afraid.  

In my own life, I am certain that I have given into the temptation to root my worldview in fear and try to control things way too many times.  I don’t think that God was content to leave me living in fear.  In fact, some of the most transformative moments in my life came when I was able to boldly step through that fear and into something that brought meaning, clarity, and direction to my life.  

After I finished college, I wasn’t sure what to do in my life, so like most people I went to graduate school.  During my first year, I recognized how boring my life had become, how overly planned everything was, and how all of my planning was actually leaving me feeling pretty empty.  I was incredibly blessed after my first year to spend the summer in Germany - a country that I had not been to before, never learned the language, and in many ways had very few plans or what those months would look like.  While I certainly was afraid of traveling abroad alone and I had a million questions about what each day would look like, I said “Yes,” to the opportunity and it was beautiful.  I came out of that summer with a better idea of who I was and what direction my life was meant to take… all because, in that moment where I could have easily said “No,” to the opportunity and continued living a very bland life, I said, “Yes,” to not being in total control… to moving into the unknown and being surprised by love.

During and after seminary, I had the opportunity to minister in two different prisons.  The first was a prison for those struggling with mental illness.  The patients were kept in this mental hospital/prison for a variety of reasons, ranging from a court order after someone committed a small crime all the way to those that committed truly heinous crimes, such as killing their own children.  As a priest, one of my assignments included visiting a state prison every other week to celebrate Mass, hear confessions, and simply be present to the inmnates.  In both situations, I was completely afraid.  What would it be like to work with these populations? Was it safe? Would I be able to relate to them in any meaningful way? With all of these questions and in that fear, I was still able to manage to say “Yes,” and again, it changed everything.   Saying “Yes,” in uncomfortable or awkward situations where I really didn’t know what to say led me to learn how to listen more attentively, ask better questions, and ultimately, reverence each person that I encountered.  Saying this “Yes,” every time I went to these prisons afforded me the opportunity to learn to share love in new ways and to receive love from those I was initially afraid to trust and of whom I was deeply suspicious. 

In all of these experiences, I continued to learn how fear and trying to control things because of that fear only limited how I saw and understood God, others, and myself.  This desire to control and the fear that motivates it really compromises our capacity to receive and share love.  When I was able to finally say, “Yes,” and let go of my expectations, I could finally be surprised by love in ways that challenged me and at the same time set me free from the confines of a life lived in fear.  

What are you afraid of? 

Fear of death?

Fear of not being enough?

Fear of not being lovable?

Fear of being alone?

Fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring?

How do these fears lead you to try and control the world around you?

We need to reflect on and confront these fears because if we don’t, we will miss out on the beauty and growth offered to each of us by simply saying “Yes.”

It is not just for our own benefit to recognize these fears.  Remember that those fears often have to do with other people - who they are, how we think they’ll respond to us, and what kinds of expectations will be placed on me now that I’ve entered into their life.  

We can build such high walls around our hearts when our lives are rooted in fear of loving others… but when we embrace our identity as beloved children of the Father - when we embrace our mission to make known the love of our God for each person… we begin to recognize that this fear does nothing but distract us from the mission.  

You may be the only person in someone’s life that can speak love into their life. 

Will you say “Yes,” to bringing love into their life?

You may be the only access point to a love that can truly bring meaning and joy to someone who otherwise would not hear it.

Will you say “Yes,” to bringing love into their life?

All it takes is saying “Yes.”.  

Saying “Yes,” every single day, so that at every moment I can say, 

“Yes, I choose to love you. I choose to love you in all of the little ways I can so that when something big comes along and the price of love costs a lot more, I know that I am rooted in the truth of who I am and what I am called to share.”

“Yes,” to letting love drive out any kinds of fear in our hearts.

“Yes,” to the need to receive this love.

“Yes,” to the mission of sharing this love.

Say “Yes,” to the mission - say “Yes,” to love.