Living in the Light: Holy Friendship as a Vessel of God’s Love
A few weeks ago, as I was FaceTiming a dear friend of mine, she stopped mid-conversation to ask if she could apologize for a few things. To say I was befuddled would be an understatement. There was nothing I could think of that she needed to be sorry for. As I listened to her wholehearted apology, she spoke of her knowledge of my feeling fairly tumultuous interiorly, and wanted to say sorry for not leaning in. She didn’t know how—didn’t know if that was something I desired for her to do, as a friend.
As soon as she brought up the tumultuous-ness, I burst into tears. Trickles of saltwater droplets came streaming from my eyes. I was coming undone. Knowing very well why she felt afraid to press into the hurt I was experiencing—I always pretended everything was fine in order to prevent myself and others from disappointment—I began to explain to her why I didn’t bring it up myself.
The truth is—I didn’t know how I was feeling, how to process, or how to live in the world, but not of it. I didn’t know how I felt about anything because nothing seemed to be consistent. I didn’t want to feel all the things. It was too hard for me, so it would certainly be too hard for others.
But because she asked, she was able to shine some light on all the darkness I felt inside my own heart and mind. By she giving me the space to talk freely, that is, without room for judgment or the fear of being misunderstood, she let some light into the darkness and I was allowed to talk about the stuff I was feeling—to speak without calculating all the right words, to question my actions without having to know all the answers, to cry without having someone physically next to me in order to dry my tears.
And it just got me thinking… isn’t this how God desires to encounter us? For us to encounter Him? To show up without having to calculate the right words? To have the freedom to ask questions without having to know any of the answers? To cry, knowing that even though He isn’t physically with us to wipe our tears, He put specific people in our lives to act on His behalf when times are hard?
Not a lot of things got figured out over FaceTime that day, but I hung up feeling lighter and loved.
I wasn’t ashamed. I was being allowed to begin living in the light.
Through my beautiful friends’ faith filled friendship to me, she was able to actually show me what God’s love was like. Through her incarnational friendship, she was able to help me understand how God loves us—especially when I don’t want to bring up the hard stuff when encountering Him in prayer. And when I don’t understand my own feelings, or even know where to begin, God desires to meet me there. He wants to lean in to my feelings, even if they aren’t all happy. He desires our wholeness and our happiness—to make our burdens light.
Are we desiring to be vessels of God’s love through our friendship? To laugh and have fun, but also navigate the really hard and messy stuff with our pals? Do we desire, like He does, to call our friend’s out of the dark when all they want to do is hide from the light?
This is friendship.
-Jessica R.