Symptoms of a Needy Heart
When the lockdowns began and social distancing measures were put in place, doctors, government leaders, and media outlets tried to inform the general public on ways to recognize symptoms associated with COVID-19 in order to help prevent its spread. The information that helped distinguish signs of having coronavirus versus the flu, for example, was important, as it could help someone find the appropriate care they need in hopes of having a quick recovery and reducing the spread to those around them. Recognizing symptoms of any illness—acknowledging that something isn’t quite right—is essential when looking to lead a healthy life. Unfortunately, many of us try to push through any pain or discomfort we experience in life, ignore it until it goes away, or simply get so used to some sort of difficulty, that it becomes part of the lens through which we see the world. Sometimes, even the signs of illness can be misleading and it takes someone with training to help us connect the dots of deeper underlying problems. I think that in the same way physical or psychological symptoms can point to an underlying biological or mental illness, so too can we find symptoms in our lives that point to a deficiency or blockage of love in our lives.
Life is messy.
Love is messy.
This messiness means that we move through this world and experience the spectrum of healthy and unhealthy relationships that deeply affect our heart’s ability to receive and give love. These experiences undoubtedly change us. They can transform us as we either flourish through the truth that they reveal about who we are or they build a foundation of lies and erect a false sense of self that we carry from one relationship to the next. These lies can lead us to a space of thinking that we don’t need love to survive - that we can keep pushing through every moment in life with a heart that continues to shrink and harden as it is starved of nourishment.
Our hearts yearn for love - we were created for it… but how does our deepest desire reveal itself? What are some of the symptoms that we can try to identify in our own experience that point us towards that which brings sense and meaning into our lives?
When it comes to love, one of the most obvious symptoms that points to an underlying desire for love is the neediness of our hearts. Perhaps one of the most deeply rooted needs that we can see not only in ourselves, but also in those around us is the need to be seen and heard. In our earliest years we cry out, throw tantrums, and try to get the attention of everyone around us by shouting out, “look at me!” As we grow older the need to be seen and heard remains with us and manifests itself in many subtle and not-so-subtle ways. Those times where we have felt misunderstood, like our words couldn’t accurately capture what we were thinking or feeling… feeling looked over or not valued for the gifts and talents that we possess… or the pain of realizing that you weren’t invited to participate in an event… all of these ways show that deep yearning to not only belong, but also to be seen and heard in that belonging. Even if we find ourselves within loving families or supportive relationships and friendships, we can still feel that ache of loneliness. The pain becomes more acute as we begin to question if we’re doing something wrong or there is something fundamentally wrong with who I am.
Deep within us we still have that childlike urge to yell out “look at me!” as we can try desperately to be seen and heard by those around us or online. Our desire to be seen and heard transcends our immediate social circles and reaches new heights through the filtered lens of social media. Constantly posting, combating the violence of quiet by looking for our ideas to be validated in an unending search for approval, always looking for the next cause to support or group to be a part of so that at the end of the day I can avoid the greatest fear of the twenty-first century - being forgotten.
This desire to be seen and heard and feeling the interior ache of loneliness spurs us on to find fulfillment, to find some feeling of resonance with the world around us. This desire leads us to either a need to hold on or a need to let go.
Sometimes out of fear of the unknown or confronting our own finitude we begin to grasp and cling to what is comfortable… what is known or was known to us as a need to hold on to experiences, relationships, or even feelings in order to know some sense of love in our lives. Maybe we’ve found ourselves daydreaming about past relationships with family, friends or significant others and thinking about the things we would have done differently to make them work. Others know the deep pain of losing a loved one and the incredibly slow and difficult process of experiencing each day without them. Many know and carry with them the deficiencies of what love ought to be through the wounds that are inflicted upon them by those responsible for loving them the best and failing. Soon walls are raised around our vulnerable hearts to protect them from ever being abused again, ultimately leading to a decreased capacity in giving and receiving love. Words of affirmation or gestures of love are quickly deflected as we have convinced ourselves that no one could really think that much of who we are - they must be lying… they must be trying to get something… because through all of the wounds and lies we’ve convinced ourselves that we are unlovable.
Both positive and negative experiences of love leave their mark and the need to hold on to these experiences shows that deep within us we yearn for a love that lacks nothing, a love that never leaves us, a love that sees and hears us and fulfills that deepest need of all - the need to be known.
When a loved one says our name or anticipates our desires through a thoughtful act, our hearts come alive. Truly receiving forgiveness when we mess up, knowing that someone sees our imperfections and chooses to love us anyway can make us feel more known. Not known for one talent or another, not known for what I do, but known for who and what I am, that is, a person that “is a good towards which the only proper and adequate attitude is love.”
What are some of the ways in your own life that you have recognized a need to be loved?